God's Blog: And it is Good

My Book

2006-06-17T12:32:00.000-04:00

I have recently started re-reading my first book, and I must say, I am surprised that it is taken so seriously. I mean, come on. It was supposed to be a joke. A kind of satire for my other deity friends. I should have known that humans would start taking it seriously. It's not even that good really. Shows how much taste you people have. Idiots.

Stupid "time"

2006-06-06T15:50:00.000-04:00

Hola to all of my puny followers, subjects, slaves, and children (legit and not so legit). Because time has no meaning in my kingdom, I often seem to lose track of it and go a "while" without posting. That being said, here's a list of things that I've been busy with...

>Creating new multiverses
>Wrestling bears
>Scoring with teenage whores
>Finishing up my spring semester at college
>Bitch-slapping Satan
>Bitch-slapping your soul
>Maintaining my awesomeness

So, again, sorry about the "time" thing. And by sorry I mean shut up. I will return with more updates to my ever-so-divine blog.

Fundies

2006-03-06T12:08:00.000-05:00

You know who really pisses the Almighty off? Fundamentalists. What is an all-powerful being to do with those who allow themselves to be consumed by stupidity? I could use a "natural" disaster, but those are always so messy and not as effective as I would prefer. I know, I'll turn them all gay. Oh wow, no wonder they call me God. I'm full of such perfect ideas. Of course they will still breed because of their denial and stupidity. Nonetheless, it will be funny to see, and maybe a few will kill themselves and each other. Progress takes time, even for me. Well, not always, but in this case I would rather watch and enjoy the suffering at their expense. I am, as they say, a wrathful God.

Lolz

2006-02-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

Hello my humble...humans. I have been very busy this semester, so for not updating, I apologize. Many parties and hot bitches have come and gone. Also many painfully hard, and yet painfully easy exams. For I am God. I made a 4.0 in my classes last semester without taking the final exams, or going to class. In December I got into a fist-fight with a royal ass at a party and killed him. I brought him back to life, but as a punishment for challenging me I blew his car up. With his mom in it. More news to come soon or whenever I shall will it.

College

2005-12-07T12:23:00.000-05:00

Good day to all who are reading my divine words. Your God has recently decided to finally go to college. I need to attain a higher education than I already have. Who am I kidding? I'm going for the parties and to have thy almighty penis sat upon. I also need a degree, although I do not quite know in what I shall major. Perhaps religious studies? LoLZ. I know it is close to winter break for thy American universities, however, I give much less than a rat's ass. For I am all powerful, and I am now registered for twelve hours of classes under the recently contrived name, Thoth Jones. Let thine party begin.

God and Carlo

2005-11-21T01:41:00.000-05:00

And God did enjoy his retirement sipping Carlo Rossi table wine with Carlo Rossi himself in the most glorious parts of heaven. And after they were substantially toasted from the fine and affordable drink that is suited for God, they went to Earth and owned many peoples. Many funnies were made and many houses were burned to the ground. And the people would flee their houses, screaming and flailing whilst God and the wine genius Carlo would laugh and laugh. And they took the form of rabid kangaroos and hopped down suburban streets and sprayed fecal matter and mucus on semi-expensive cars, as well as Hummers. And all was good and happy.

Retirement

2005-11-20T01:24:00.000-05:00

I am truly and eternally tired of having to deal with such responsibilities as keeping humanity in working order. Thy human race is beyond worthless and thou shalt be punished by being abandoned by the glory that is ME. Therefore, GOD is indefinately retiring from protector of the human race. Of course I shall still be all powerful because. As I have told thee before, do not bother to pray, it will not help. MY indefinite vacation shall start now. It just started. Just now. Ok. Now...

howdy looooozerz

2005-11-17T21:46:00.000-05:00

oh jesus i'm so fucking drunk right now. i think i just destroyed jupiter. oh me mye heafd hurts. i hate you people so much.

love GoD

Senior Pictures

2005-11-12T19:50:00.000-05:00

Good day to all (except Mike Jones). I was cleaning out my room the other day and found a box full of pictures from throughout my infinite life. Above is one of my awesome senior pictures from my high school graduation year -0.

The Miracle

2005-09-16T20:27:00.000-04:00

And there was a time upon the Earth when man's hunger was not satisfied with speed, and there was no haste in bringing forth what would please the stomach.

So God looked upon the people and He saw bones underneath the flesh of man, and he witnessed great anger in the hearts of His creations because there was no meal that would come fast enough, and none that would hide his ribs, and keep him warm during the cold months.

Having witnessed this it made God very sad; And so in all His infinite wisdom He decided to help His creation to be pleased once more. And God spoke saying: "Let there be restaurants upon the land and let them serve man meals at a fast pace, and let the meals be affordable so that even the meekest shall be fed as I would be fed, and may the restaurants start upon the North American continent and from there be spread throughout the world, and let it be called Fast-Food."

And as God command, it was so; the Fast-Food restaurants sprang forth, comforting those who were impatient and who were without meat on their ribs; And the coming winters were met with contentment and the people were satisfied; And God was pleased; So upon knowing that he had completed a miracle, God went forth into His rec room and ate a Big-Mac, Large French Fri, and a Diet Coke; And it was good.

Who is Mike Jones?

2005-07-30T12:20:00.000-04:00

A dead man. I have taken it upon my awesome and ever so great self to punish Mike Jones, Mike Jones, Mike Jones. I have stricken the "rapper" with a slowly moving but nevertheless aggressive form of colon cancer. Now he has no choice but the know that his shit does in fact stink. My readers and followers, please know for future reference that I do this not because Mike Jones and other rappers like him are complete and utter tools, rather it is for the bettering of humanity. If humans will not do it, then I will do it for them. Also, Mike Jones is a tool. This is all. I have others I must punish with various illnesses and misfortune.

2005-07-25T13:33:00.000-04:00

I'm busy. More posts coming on my command.

You know what?

2005-06-28T22:43:00.000-04:00

I think I'll start a plague. PSYCHE! Thou art most gullible. I am most awesome. This blog sucks. Nevertheless, it is still the best of those throughout the multiverse. It only blows by my standards, and my standards are beyond impossible. That is why no one really makes it to heaven. You are all crap that offends my large and ever so perfect eyes. This blog is awesome.

Busy Busy

2005-06-05T13:20:00.000-04:00

Many apologies for not updating as much as I would like to. This is a busy time for me. I have many upcoming projects. Let us just say that they involve things like death, life, famine, salted snacks, and disease. In fact I have been working on a new sexually transmitted disease for all who are bored with the currently existing ones. This will be available in the next few years. I must get back to work. No time to play. Oh wait, I have power over time. Nevermind.

Trip To Cambodia

2005-05-21T21:19:00.000-04:00

Good day to thee. I have had much fun inflicting justice upon those whom are deserving. Just this past week I visited Cambodia and used my God morphing powers to take the form of a 9-year-old girl working as a sex slave. Just as I was about to be anally raped by an overweight man from Florida, I morphed my anus into a bear trap. I had never heard such screaming, until then of course. After the sex tourist fell to the floor bleeding, I morphed into a bear and sodomized him. Then I pooped on him and ran through the tiny village that was filled with sex tourists and the people who profit from abusing children, and I ate them. All of them. That was my good deed for the day. I am a good deed for me sakes. I usually tend not to intervene with human activities, but when I do I like to make a lasting impression. In the name of me, I rule.

Check Yourself

2005-05-14T12:06:00.000-04:00

Just a reminder...I still own you.

Crash

2005-05-02T20:05:00.000-04:00

I had to cause a twenty-five car pileup at a race track yesterday. Reason? No. I just did. It was necessary however. Anyone who races in moving metal boxes shall be stopped. Especially the ones who are called NASCAR. There are too many things on these metal boxes, and when they move in a circle for hours they make me dizzy and I throw up a little. Plus they pollute my atmosphere needlessly. Therefore, I shall pollute their bones with shards of metal from their crashed cars. I guess I did have a reason. What I said at the beginning of this entry still makes sense. Do not be so naive as to question why it does. I own thee.

Last Chance

2005-04-30T12:45:00.000-04:00

My children, I apologize for my sudden outburst in my last post. I'm just really fed up with your actions as a people. Therefore, I'm canceling the end of the world and the rapture. This shall make you all have to work together for peace instead of focusing on your individual problems and worries of whether or not you will make it to heaven. You must now work to make sure that each of you will attain the love the is intended for each and every one of you. If this doesn't work, I'm canceling death. This will cause all to live in eternal agony if you do not treat each other well. Imagine being married for 1000+ years. Yes, this is scary, as it should be. Do not, as one would say, fuck this up.

Thou Art Teh Suck

2005-04-29T20:17:00.000-04:00

You all suck and need to get your acts together. Fuck you guys.

The Cheez-it

2005-04-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

It has often been speculated that I invented the Cheez-it. Well, I did. That's why they're so...me-like. I inspired them to be invented and their invention was inspired by me. The divinity of the Cheez-it came to its peak when I created the Hot & Spicy Cheez-it cracker. Sometimes I just cannot believe how awesome I really am. What else (besides me) can compare to the release of pure pleasure when one bites into a Cheez-it? I dare thee to cometh unto me with an answer. When and if thee dares to do such a thing, thou shall be stricken with a severe rectal cramp.

Stop it

2005-04-19T23:13:00.000-04:00

Oh wow, my humble subjects, please stop praying. I'll just be straight up. I don't listen. What are you going to do about it? Yes, that's what I thought. Nothing. Your prayers make my enormous head hurt. Of course I heal myself of the headaches, because I can do that. Still, just stop with the folded hands and the bowed heads. Especially at the dinner table at a restaurant. You know how there are always those people who stare at you and laugh when they see you praying in public? Well, so am I. Stop. I command thee.

Good Times

2005-04-16T00:32:00.000-04:00

Human beings are very funny about what they consider their property. I mean, I did create everything in existence, so technically it's mine. Sometimes for fun I like to take the form of a grizzly looking homeless man (naked, to increase dramatic effect) and run through certain neighborhoods all around the world. To top things off I go lawn to lawn an spray wet fecal material everywhere. All over gardens, trees, doghouses, windows, cars, bikes, and various toys left out by small children and retards. You should see how mad they get. I've been shot 59 times. Of course the bullets turn into birds and angrily chase after the person who shot me. That's a neat trick. I'm awesome for making it up. Anyway, everyone in heaven gets a big kick out of it. It's kind of a big event when I do this. We all get together and eat some popcorn and get a little high, and then someone always asks me to do that thing that I always do. So I do, and it's all good fun. Not for the people who have to clean all of that poop up. You should see it. I make it so it looks like Wendy's Chili TM, but it smells somewhat worse.

Oops

2005-04-14T01:26:00.000-04:00

I woke up with a huge chub-on this morning. I accidentally wiped out a village somewhere in China with it. I knew I shouldn't have got out of bed on that side. That part of the world has enough problems. Although I guess I did help with their overpopulation issue. Yes, I did help. "And I did look upon the villagers of Chun-ko Yu, and saw that they could not move, and that their personal space was non existant. And so with my massive God chub-on, I cleared for them some space, and it was good, and pleasant, in thy mercy. Amen."

Nose Bleeds

2005-04-10T02:14:00.000-04:00

Hello subjects. This post by far is the best one. Even though the last one was previously the best. I was surfing the internet today and saw that some of my people say that I hate homosexuals. "God hates fags" I believe is the phrase. I do not hate, I just get super pissed. Homosexuality does not piss me off, but these people do. So I decided to give all of the people who believe this simultaneous nose bleeds that lasted for exactly fifteen minutes. No more, no less. 15 was the number of minutes, and the number of minutes was 15. I decided on nose bleeds because I think they're funny. Wait, I know they are funny. I proclaim them fourth funniest.

My day off

2005-04-08T02:27:00.000-04:00

Good day my wonderful subjects. God here, with an all-powerful update. I took a little "me" time today and decided to enjoy it in human form on Earth. My human body quickly decided it was hungry, so I made a Hardees Thickburger and ate it while surfing the Miami Beach waves. It was the most perfect cheeseburger no one will ever experience. Everything between the two buns were absolutely without flaw. The buns were no exception. It was like I was eating myself. Boredom set in after eating such utter delightfulness so I materialized in Alaska and made the penguins perform Stomp for me. Best performance ever. Those penguins secured a spot in heaven. After all of that fun was over, I saw that I needed an Earth computer and internet connection, and it was so. Just for fun I decided to visit a chatroom full of Fundamentalist Christians. Their belief in me is unsurpassed, however they have no clue of my personal values. Some of their comments, although only out of ignorance, enraged me to the point of no comprehension. Therefore some of them had to be given severe migraines. Owned. Literally.

I am

2005-04-06T00:53:00.000-04:00

Hello. I am God. I've made the decision to start a weblog of my daily activities in heaven, on earth, and anywhere else I may be during the course of a day. Why? Because. That's why. Just look at the title of this entry. I didn't even have to put 'God' after 'I am'. That's just because. Wow. I am so allpowerful. I don't even need a computer to type this. It just is. Tell me how kick ass that is. Oh wait, I already know. Have a nice day, unless I don't want you to.